Thursday, September 10, 2009
Enter THE WON, stage center, to a massive, sustained, almost Politburo-like, round of applause. THE WON smiles, beatifically. THE WON exchanges pleasantries with the Secretary of State. Something along the lines of "I won, bitch."
THE WON is introduced by Nancy Pelosi. Rapturous applause.
Applause dies down. THE WON clears his throat and begins tospeaksprinkle his wisdom upon the world, just as a gentle rain might drop from heaven...
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I have saved you from a minor down-tick in the economy. I'm calling it the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression, because a crisis is something you don't want to waste. I was able to stampede you into two spending bills, one for $410 billion, the other for $787 billion. I was able to stampede the house into cap-and-tax. Pay no attention to the rising jobless numbers.
Hey, Dingell inherited his seat. How cool is that?!?!?!!!!
Peggy Joseph is still having to pay for her mortgage and her gas, so more deficit spending is necessary. Thanks in advance. And thanks too, to the rubes who'll be stuck with this bill.
My future is to be God-Emperor. After me, other Presidents will take the title of "Barack," in honor of me for making them as close as a third-millennial American leader might come to the absolute life-and-death power of the pre-modern ruler. The way to this is another crisis. A health care crisis.
There are4730 million who don't have bets with bookies about how their health may turn out. Some don't want to make the bet - they prefer to spend their money on iPods or foreign vacations, some are presented with high odds by their bookies. Others go to cash in, only to find their bookie has welshed. In the name of my God-Emperorhood, people, we have to end these bookies. I'm going to be the God-Emperor bookie. You will all bet. With me. I will subsidize those of you who can't afford to bet by sending Tony Sopranothe IRS to take moneyu from those who refuse to bet. After you make me God-Emperor, of course.
Right now, when things go bad for bookies, or their families, the Federal Government steps in and makes them good. This is expensive, and takes away from my ivory backscratcher fund.
We need to fundmentally change our system of health care betting. Let me triangulate the mad-dogs of the right and left, in order to make my idea be the best.
Speaking of which, thanks very much Congress, for all those betting reform bills bills, but you suck. My ideas are the best, so shut up and get on board.
Hi John, you cutie!
John McCain likes it when I say nice things about him.
America: hundreds of millions of you are going to have to change the way you manage your health care so tens of millions of others can start sucking at the government teat. If this sounds like 90% of you are going to have to take it in the ass for the other 10%, well, tough. I won. And I want to be God-Emperor.
Betting on the future state of your personal private health is like betting how things will turn out when you drive a car on a public road. Who'd a thunk it?!?!?!!!! I WOULD!!!! BECAUSE I WILL BE GOD-EMPEROR!!!!!
I haven't a clue really what I'm doing, but even a blind pig finds the occasional ACOR....um...never mind. Nut. Yeah, even a blind pig finds the occasional nut.
And when I find that nut, I will share. Promise. 5% to you. Minimum.
People have been lying about my plans for health care. You see, I have no plans. so, everything they say, of necessity, is a lie.
I don't want health betting companies to make profits. Profits are bad.
I've estimated my non-existent plan won't add to the national debt. And you can trust government estimates. Look at Medicare, for example. I will fund my plan by making medicare more efficient, and harder to defraud. If you don't give in to my plan, I'll make Medicare less efficient, and easier to defraud. So there.
As a lawyer, let me say that ambulance chasers like John Edwards have nothing to fear from me. In fact, I'll limit the tests doctors can do to make it even easier for ambulance chasers to prove cases and thereby retire to 24,000 square foot mansions. And contribute MASSIVELY to theDemocratBarack party of the USA.
Give me my plan and shut the hell up. If you don't give me my plan, there'll be a crisis. A CRISIS!
Mary Jo Kopechne's chauffeur is in favor of this plan. He was always free with other people's money.
There used to be a limit to government. Then government got stupid and, as we all know, there's no limit on stupidity. Give me my plan.
Barack for God-Emperor.
Word.
THE WON is introduced by Nancy Pelosi. Rapturous applause.
Applause dies down. THE WON clears his throat and begins to
=====
I have saved you from a minor down-tick in the economy. I'm calling it the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression, because a crisis is something you don't want to waste. I was able to stampede you into two spending bills, one for $410 billion, the other for $787 billion. I was able to stampede the house into cap-and-tax. Pay no attention to the rising jobless numbers.
Hey, Dingell inherited his seat. How cool is that?!?!?!!!!
Peggy Joseph is still having to pay for her mortgage and her gas, so more deficit spending is necessary. Thanks in advance. And thanks too, to the rubes who'll be stuck with this bill.
My future is to be God-Emperor. After me, other Presidents will take the title of "Barack," in honor of me for making them as close as a third-millennial American leader might come to the absolute life-and-death power of the pre-modern ruler. The way to this is another crisis. A health care crisis.
There are
Right now, when things go bad for bookies, or their families, the Federal Government steps in and makes them good. This is expensive, and takes away from my ivory backscratcher fund.
We need to fundmentally change our system of health care betting. Let me triangulate the mad-dogs of the right and left, in order to make my idea be the best.
Speaking of which, thanks very much Congress, for all those betting reform bills bills, but you suck. My ideas are the best, so shut up and get on board.
Hi John, you cutie!
John McCain likes it when I say nice things about him.
America: hundreds of millions of you are going to have to change the way you manage your health care so tens of millions of others can start sucking at the government teat. If this sounds like 90% of you are going to have to take it in the ass for the other 10%, well, tough. I won. And I want to be God-Emperor.
Betting on the future state of your personal private health is like betting how things will turn out when you drive a car on a public road. Who'd a thunk it?!?!?!!!! I WOULD!!!! BECAUSE I WILL BE GOD-EMPEROR!!!!!
I haven't a clue really what I'm doing, but even a blind pig finds the occasional ACOR....um...never mind. Nut. Yeah, even a blind pig finds the occasional nut.
And when I find that nut, I will share. Promise. 5% to you. Minimum.
People have been lying about my plans for health care. You see, I have no plans. so, everything they say, of necessity, is a lie.
I don't want health betting companies to make profits. Profits are bad.
I've estimated my non-existent plan won't add to the national debt. And you can trust government estimates. Look at Medicare, for example. I will fund my plan by making medicare more efficient, and harder to defraud. If you don't give in to my plan, I'll make Medicare less efficient, and easier to defraud. So there.
As a lawyer, let me say that ambulance chasers like John Edwards have nothing to fear from me. In fact, I'll limit the tests doctors can do to make it even easier for ambulance chasers to prove cases and thereby retire to 24,000 square foot mansions. And contribute MASSIVELY to the
Give me my plan and shut the hell up. If you don't give me my plan, there'll be a crisis. A CRISIS!
Mary Jo Kopechne's chauffeur is in favor of this plan. He was always free with other people's money.
There used to be a limit to government. Then government got stupid and, as we all know, there's no limit on stupidity. Give me my plan.
Barack for God-Emperor.
Word.
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