Livin' In America

(Mrs Livininamerica, while agreeing with most of this rant, (FUCK!, she was with me at FUCKIN' Lenox! In FUCKIN' TRAFFIC!) thinks this rant contains too much naughty language. So, I have changed "FUCKER!" to "F*CKER!" somewhere below. Where? Who the FUCK knows?!?!!? G*D (Hi, ACLU!) BLESS YOU, Mrs Livininamerica!)

(OK, the rant.)

Fuck you, Steve Jobs.

This Christmas, Mrs Livininamerica got an iPod. The latest iPod. The video iPod. The most expensive fuckin' iPod you can buy. Yes, I love her like that. I also got her an iTrip FM broadcast device so she could play the iPod over her car radio. Since she goes to networking events and wants to record them, I threw in an iTalk voice recorder.

Yes indeedy. Apart from workin' my ass off all day on mind-cripplingly complex vertical web search algorithms, I take time out from my blinding schedule to buy Steve Jobs' latest-and-greatest music creation for my beloved wife. (HIYA HONEY! I LOVE YOU ENOUGH TO GIVE MY ANUS TO STEVE JOBS! HOPE YOU LOVE THAT iPod*! OUCH!)

(* iPod Trademark of FUCKIN' MOTHERFUCKIN' ASS-REAMIN' MOTHERFUCKERS LED BY KING MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKING FUCKIN' BANJO-FUCKIN'-PLAYIN' STEVE (MOTHERFUCKER) JOBS.) (AND HIS CORPORATE COCKSUCKERS.) (With apologies to you simple motherfuckers who simply executed his will. You poor stupid deep suckers of Job's cock.) (Quick question: DOES STEVE JOBS SODOMIZE HIMSELF WITH A *video iPod*? HE FUCKIN' OUGHT TO!)

Impatient as we are, we decided to go ahead and share presents today. Hey, we're traveling out of town over Christmas, it seemed like the thing to do.

Guess what? The *video iPod* will not accept plugins for earlier *iPod*s. The iTrip and iTalk devices are useless, FOR THE *NEW* *video iPod*. Sure, they're *iPod* compatible, they're just not *video iPod* compatible. Tell that to a poor zschlub buying for Christmahanukwazaamas!

So be it. Over we went to the Apple store at Lenox Mall to buy the equivalent attachments for the *video iPod*. (Yes, I love Mrs Livininamerica enough to brave Lenox on Christmas Eve.) (I am fuckin' *fuckin'* crazy.) (Sorry, *CRAZY IN LOVE*. *WITH YOU*! *MRS LIVININAMERICA*!)

(Keith McGreggor was there, with a banjo, and that look he affects so well. You know, like he just smelled a really, really bad case of dysentery. Deep fear, all you security types.)

Oh. The attachments. Not to be had. They don't exist. Apparently, the vendors can't read Steve Jobs' mind well enough to know in advance where he's going to go with the next iteration of his products so they can anticipate consumer need *AT FUCKIN' CHRISTMAS*!

Oh, and Apple no longer sells the older iPods. I asked. I was willing to shell out a couple of hundred dollars to make use of about a hundred dollars of (NOW FUCKING!) surplus (STEVE JOBS, YOU MOTHER FUCKER!) electronics, but Apple, in its (FUCKING INFINITE, YOU COCKSUCKERS!) wisdom, has decided this is not a good option for me. (STEVE JOBS! YOU MOTHER F*CKER!)

I know this because the Apple rep. tried to tell me that the fact that Apple had broken the implicit interface contract was a good thing. Out with the old, in with the new, etc. Oh, and when I asked about actually recording meetings using the new, most expensive available *video iPod*, I got this blank stare that said "Huh? STEVE (THAT MOTHER FUCKER!) never said anything about that!" Podcasts, how are ye? (Sorry, I'm Irish, from the motherland, and it sometimes gets through, dontcha know. Dia dhiaibh!) (Based on the rep.'s reaction, I'm guessing you can't even record anything to your new, incredibly expensive, *video iPod*. Fuckin' brilliant!)

When I asked him whether being anally raped by Steve Jobs while he poured sugar into my gas tank might also be a good thing for me (yes, the conversation escalated), the Apple rep. had the good sense to shut up. UNLIKE STEVE FUCKIN' JOBS, WHO SUFFERS FROM VERBAL FUCKIN' DIARRHEA!

I've always thought that Apple types were a little creepy. There's a whole cultishness there I worry about. Now I find that Apple is not only a cult, it's actually (FUCKIN!) evil. I've no doubt that Steve Jobs himself personally gathered and buried all the older iPods on a moonless night, after sacrificing an (optionally virginal) Apple goat, under some new hyper-modern Asian airport, with the goal of bankrupting anyone who makes add-ons for the *iPod* (SORRY!, *video iPod*). (STEVE JOBS! YOU MOTHER FUCKER!)

I've told Mrs Livininamerica that she's on her own with her *iPod* (SORRY!, *video iPod*). She wanted *iPod* (SORRY!, *video iPod*), she got *iPod* (SORRY!, *video iPod*). In the process I learned a lesson Motorola learned a long time ago: doing a deal with Apple is an invitation to have Steve Jobs sodomize you repeatedly with cyanide-tipped homeland-security-approved harpoons while he recites Vogon poetry to you, personally.

I've no doubt that Mrs Livininamerica's device will fail catastrophically in the next 18 months or so. By then there'll be a new generation of (IN-COM-FUCKIN'-PATIBLE) iPods, and there'll be a new round of device and accessory purchases. By Mrs Livininamerica. Not me. I already know enough of Apple's history, and now I've had the lesson, up close and personal. (OUCH, ME FUCKIN' ARSE-HOLE!)

Fuck you, Steve Jobs. Fuck you. Your decision on the video iPod is a decision to throw runny, diarrhetic, horseshit against all those who would keep your company healthy through the aftermarket. Why? Because you don't have a monopoly on smart ideas. You motherfucker. You stupid motherfucker.

I'll never buy another of your products.

(I apologize for any grammar, etc., mistakes. I have been under some (STEVE MOTHERFUCKER JOBS-induced) stress this day.)

(To all you APPLE MOTHER-FUCKIN' CULTISTS, I can only say "x86." Eat x86, and thereby expire, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!)


UPDATE: Wired Magazine agrees with me: "Stop making us feel buyer's remorse".